I'm just going to be deadset straight with you and tell you exactly what's going on, as much as it pains me to think about it, I need to get it out some where and this seems like the ideal place. I'm not entirely sure how to start this, so excuse me if it seems a bit simple and not in too much depth.
Erm.. ok, well, if you have read my blog, or even just parts, you will know that I'm dating Reid, uh-huh? Ok, right, well, I had a boyfriend before Reid and his name was Jonah. Well, we went out for around 6 months and I really liked him, but in the end, I dumped him for this other guy called Josh, who actually turned out to be a jerk so I dumped him too (man, I must sound like such an awesome person. -sarcasm.-) Anyway, Jonah was really upset about this and decided he wasn't going to talk to me again, and at the time, I was fine with that. You know, I was wrapped up in all the attention I was getting from these other guys, after I'd been in a relationship for 6 months, I got a little carried away. So, the connection between me and Jonah died, I mean, I still saw him a lot, but we just walked past each other like we were strangers, which I suppose, in a way, sucks. We had so much in common and he could make me laugh like no one else, but I guess I hurt him, bad.
Back on the subject a bit more, I started dating Reid, and we've been together for 18 months and I really like him, but I moved chemistry class a while a go, and what do you know, Jonah is my lab partner. At first, he did exactly what I thought he would, wich was ignore me completely. But then one day, he complimented me on how I looked, and we got talking after, I began to realise just how funny he was and everything he liked, I did too. One chemistry lesson, I had to stay behind after class to finish a project, he offered to stay behind but I said no, he had better ways to spend his time than helping me do the work I was too lazy to do, so he gave me his book to work from because I forgot mine and left. I started to do my work and stuff when a little piece of paper fell out, at first, I didn't think he's do anything as cheesy as leaving me a note in a book, so I just put it back in. So, as I was leaving, I went to pack my books away and it feel out again, this time it was writing side up. I've already posted what it said on my blog, but I'll just do it again for understanding purposes. "I've decided that I'm not going to get over you any time soon. Or even at all. Instead, I'm just going to stay under you. It's ok, really, I don't have to be over you to be happy. I'm quite content still being in love with you. So, please don't burst my bubble, I'm still not ok. I just need this, you with me?" You can imagine what I was like right, confused, worried, just a whole lot of emotions I couldn't make sense of or understand.
The next day, he was already in the class when I got there, he just stared at me as I made my way over, and I could feel my face growing hot and red as I walked. He just looked at me for a while and said "I know you read it".
I'll write more later, I have to go the the library (H)
SOMETIMES I WISH I COULD SHOVE MY HEAD IN THE MICRO-WAVE AND FRY THE FEW STUPID BRAIN CELLS I HAVE LEFT.
I seriously can't be doing this anymore, I'm literally driving myself insane. I'm obsessed and stupid. Sorry, I get into these moods of self-loathing too often, and all I can do is insult myself, but seriously, what I say I truely believe at the time.
I'm having major trouble sleeping lately. I go to bed at around 1 am, finally fall asleep at about 3, and wake up at around 6. My mom gave me some sleeping pills but I'm always sick after them so I don't take them. I can't concentrate at school, I keep day dreaming about stuff that isn't real and picturing stuff in my mind that never happened, but I make myself believe they did. I got my first B- ever, I'm usually a straight A student but my grades are now plummeting. I haven't been out to see my boyfriend in 4 days. I don't answer his texts, or calls. I just don't want to see him. When I do I get over thrown with guilt and sadness, I just can't do it. I'm scared of losing him, but I don't want to spend time with him right now. I'm a mess, I really need some help :/
This is the worst feeling ever. I'm pretty sure. I'm confused, so confused, I'm literally tired out after I think about the situation for too long. I don't know what to do. I feel like such a bitch even thinking about this, I mean, I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful boyfriend who actually gives a shit about me, but it's not my fault. I wish he never said anything, I wish I was still in my little word of obliviousness. This sucks so bad, I can't explain. If you would have asked me last week if I still liked him, I would say 'Hell no, got over that one years ago!' but now, now he said that, I'm actually thinking about my answer really carefully. Oh god, I need some serious help with this, 'I don't miss him, I miss spending time with him.' That's what I always told myself, but not I keep thinking; what if I'm over-looking something, that could be what I'm actually supposed to do? What if he can bring me the happiness back that I've been missing for two years? Oh shit, I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm obviously not thinking straight.
And I got the point that I should leave you alone, But we both know that I'm not that strong, And I miss the lips that made me fly.
"I'm not coming back, I've done something so terrible, I'm terrified to speak, but you'd expect that from me, I'm mixed up, I'll be blunt, now the rain is just washing you out of my hair, and out of my mind, keeping an eye on the world, so many thousends of feet off the ground, I'm over you now I'm at home in the clouds, towering over your head"
"I've decided that I'm not going to get over you any time soon.
Or even at all.
Instead, I'm just going to stay under you. It's ok, really,
I don't have to be over you to be happy.
I'm quite content still being in love with you.
So, please don't burst my bubble, I'm still not ok. I just need this, you with me? "
These words, were the words I never expected to hear, ever. I didn't know what to say, what to do, I just stood there and stared all wide eyed. It's kinds obvious what it's about do I'm not even going to bother, but man, this really threw a spanner in the works, feelings that I haven't felt in forever are back, maybe just a little bit, and it makes me feel bad but, I can't help it. Oh god, someone catch me...
Your words stained me like the blood that pumps through my heart stained my insides as it burst and melted onto my rib cage. Like burns, your words are stamped, imprinted into my body, deep indentations that ache whenever touched. The bruises and scars are constant reminders, what ever I touch becomes tainted with the words you spoke calmly, as if unaware of the venom they contained, the pain they caused.
I don't know why I wrote that. Maybe I should be worried?
Anyway, apart from that, I have no reason to post an article, but I just feel like it. I could post tons everyday, but when I do I feel guilty, stupid right? Anyway. I'm having two weeks off of school soon, because I'm going on vacation. First off, we're going to fly to Athens in Greece, staying there for a week, and then we're going to this island called Crete. I've never been before but my dad is a Geography professor at this college and he's been there a few times and said that he has to take me. I was kind of scared, because of that volcano in Iceland with the ash in the air and all the flights being cancelled, but I think they've started again now so I hope there won't be too many delays on flights, because I hate flying normally, so being in the airport for too long would really syke me out. I'm probably going to post another article today, I have waaaaay too much time on my hands, yo. ♥
____"Cherish your solitude. Take trains by yourself ____to places you have never been. Sleep alone ____under the stars. Learn how to drive a stick ____shift. Go so far away that you stop being afraid ____of not coming back. Say no whenever you don't ____want to do something. Say yes if your instincts ____are strong, even if everyone around you ____disagrees. Decide whether you want to be ____liked or admired. Decide if fitting in is more ____important than finding out what you're doing ____here. Believe in kissing." __________________________- Eve Ensler
I want a life with no worries and no stress. I want to just forget about anything that caused me problems or scared me in anyway. I just want to be free, to experiance everyting to the fullest. I don't know why we feel we have to build up all these walls, to complete these tasks. They're pointless. In the end, it won't matter what grades we get or what college we went to, the only thing you will care about is it you actually enjoyed your life, and if not, why? We waste so much time worrying, time we could spend on things we actually want to do. I don't want to go to school next week, I want to drive down to the sea and sleep on the beach with my best friend and talk all night because it won't matter that we're tired in the morning because we don't have to do anything. I want it so bad, so why not just do it?
You want the truth? Well here it is... Eventually, you forget it all. First you forget what you learned- the dates of the wars and the pythagorean theorem. You especially forget all the thing you didn't really learn, but just memorized the night before You forget the names of all but one of your two favorite teachers, and eventually you forget those too. You forget your junior year class schedule and where you used to sit and your best friends home phone number and the lyrics to that song you must have played a million times. And eventually, but slowly, you forget your humiliations- even the ones that seemed indelible, just fade away. You forget who was cool and who was not, who was pretty, smart, athletic, and not. Who went to college. Who threw the best parties. Who had the most friends. You forget all of them. Even he ones you said you loved, and the ones you actually did. They're the last to go. And then once you've forgotten enough, you love someone else.
I find think that quote is quite true, all though I hope the last bit really isn't.
I'm just going to have a big rant here to get it out of my system, sorry.
Here's something, there's a new fad going around. Not the usual kind of fads, like hair styles or phones, but an emotional one, something that really fucks things up. I believe it's called 'cutting'. I know what you're thinking, emo kids slitting their wrists and shit like that, but no. 'Cutting' refers to getting wrid of someone from your existance, or cutting people out of your life. If someone decides to cut you, you simply don't hear from them anymore. They effectinvly deny your existance. You're deleted from Facebook, Myspace, phone books, everything that gives you a connection, and you're just completely ignored in person. I, for one think it's a sick trend and causes so much shit for everyone. I'd hate to get cut by someone, it would just ruin everthing. You have to be a dick to want to do that to someone.
Another thing, what's this thing about bitching over Facebook statuses? Seriously, I mean, what? Oh yeah, you're all so fucking hardcore, t4lk!n' lYk d111zz, calling NORMAL people whores and players. You're all so pathetic. I have a real life, with real friends and I go out often. I don't sit there, frying my fucking brain cells looking at a bunch of lit up pixles, bitching about people I don't even know. Their whole frame of mind is immature and they're stupid enough not to know their words mean nothing.
One last thing now. I'm sick to death of sluts. Seriously, they must like, multiply over night or something. They're everywhere! At school, the mall, at gigs, everywhere. They make me sick! I mean seriously, guys don't like the icky orange glow you give off, or the 1487249836 layers of make-up you slap on your face. You look gross, you are gross. It's just not nice. Then, they hate on you for not looking like them. Sorry if I don't want to bleach my hair, fuck everything that moves and go after guys just because they have a girlfriend. They're childish too. Makes me sick, to my fucking stomach!
I am human. I have a brain. I have bones. I have a heart. I am normal. My eyes see beauty. My ears hear sound. I feel the wind on my skin and your lips on mine. Physically, I am a human. But mentally, I am so much more. I am as powerful as the waves, as deep as the ocean.
I can't stand being without you, literaly. I hate being stuck at home when I know you're out, or when you're stuck at home and I'm out. I'm constantly thinking about you. I know, I seem extreamly obsessed but I don't care. You're always on my mind and you'll never get off. People call us pathetic, because we don't want to do anything without each other. But those people just don't know what this feels like. It's wonderful, a feeling I'd never give up for anything in the world. You're amazing. You're everything I love. Love is you.
You probably think I'm such a pathetic person, for going on and on like this. Oh well.
Lust: I'm pretty proud to say that I am actually a virgin. I think it's quite an achievement, I mean, I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 18 months, and we've been close to it, but I still hold firm and tell him I want to wait until I'm older. I think it's quite reasonable, as I'm only 15, but the temptation is well and truly there.
Gluttony: I have to admit, I do like a good Micky D's every now and then, and I'm a huge fan of pizza. I think that I could stop myself from eating fatty foods if my life depended on it, but it would be hard. I just love to taste something nice, and I'm quite a big comfort eater. As for drinking, it's alchohol that's my biggest enemy. Vodka and Red Bull is just like heaven to me.
Greed: I wouldn't describe myself as a greedy person really, I'm a big believer in 'what's mine is yours'
Laziness: Yes, I'm a lazy person, no debate there. I hate chores and there is no way I'd be able to keep down a job at my age.
Wrath: I don't get angry often, the only things I get really angry over are when people flirt with my boyfriend, make up dumb rumours, and when people take my stuff without asking! Oh, and commercials make me angry, but I know that's just weird.
Envy: I get jealous over girls that are prettier than me and when dumb bitches flirt with my boyfriend. But that's just human :)
Pride: This is a tough one, I wouldn't say that I'm concieted, but I don't know what other people think. I could be the most arrogant person around and never know, but I just don't think I am.
I love photography. I'm not good at it, but I really adore it. I love scouring for people's work. Websites like 'Tumblr' and 'Weheartit' are like heaven for me ♥. I'd love to be as good as some of the people I follow, I'd love to feel inspired by something, I'd love to take gorgeous photos of someone and make them feel good about themselves. I'm getting a new camera soon. Well, I say new, it's my dads camera, he's getting a new one and I'm having his old one, he hardly used it and it takes really good quality pictures so I'm syked about that. I'm just going to take it everywhere with me, and take pictures of everything and hope at least a few of them turn out respectable. I'd love to do some work on people I know, just to get used to having a model, incase I take photography to the next step, but I'm scared to ask incase they think I'm just weird. I don't have many friends that are into that same stuff as me, so it's hard.
In other news, summer is well on it's way, and I couldn't be more happy. I can't wait to just sit in the sun all day, go to the beach, staying up all night, wandering the streets and getting lost with the people that mean most. I don't know what it is about summer, but I always seem to make new friends, maybe because I go out more, not sure, but either way I can't wait. Oh god, I almost forgot. I just bought my ticket to the warped tour 2010. I'm so stoked! I want to see: Alesana, Attack Attack!, Breath Carolina, Enter Shikari, Hey Monday, I see stars, Iwrestledabearonce, Mayday Parade, Nevershoutnever!, Parkway Drive and Suicide Silence. I have to travel all the way to Carson, CA. which is so far away, but it's going to be awesome because I'm just going with my friends without my parent for the first time, I've been twice before but my dad always came with me and stayed in the hotel while we went to the gigs, but this time, I'm totally responsible for myself and I can't wait. Bring on June 25th!
I'm in a writing mood today, I might post another article if I have time, but I'm going shopping soon, so I'm not sure. I've noticed that I don't get many comments on my articles, which doesn't really bother me, but I'd be nice to have a few more.